i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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