the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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