here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
