i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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