omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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