I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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