I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize