dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
