I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm going to jail i love you
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
