her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
