im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
