I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
