yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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