I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Welp...herpes.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize