Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
