Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
birth control should be required to get into college
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.