dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.