i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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