My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
