I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
