he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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