Porn is love you can see.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
