I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
