Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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