She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Girls should come with a carfax report
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
