I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
