I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
