I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
