Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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