this beer tastes like vomit already
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
