i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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