I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
