New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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