I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
