I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
