feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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