it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
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I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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