My room smells like vodka and shame
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
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Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
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I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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