ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
