This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
