My underwear smells like fireworks.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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