this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
