He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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