capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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