I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
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You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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