I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
