sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
