I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
