Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
