Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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