And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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