i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
