WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
