before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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