youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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