you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
