i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
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He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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