You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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