WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
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Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
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You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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