no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
