If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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