Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
