I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
